Lunch Time Etiquette

The following manners apply to anyplace where large groups of people gather to consume food that they packed themselves: be it cafeteria, break room, or public park.

Upon entering a room in which someone is eating an orange, one should never exclaim, “I smell Oranges!” This just serves to show everyone how unobservant and rude you are. This will also result in the Orange eater not offering you any. Instead you should casually glance around until you locate the orange eater and then casually approach them. Begin the conversation thusly, “Why I see that you have chosen to eat an orange today. I can tell that you care about your health very much because oranges are high in vitamin C and are a tasty way to ward off many nasty diseases such as scurvy.” Then go on to explain that you have recently returned from a long sea voyage and that you fear you yourself might be suffering the early stages of Scurvy and that you would be forever grateful if they might share part of their life-preserving fruit.

Always pack a book in your lunch bag. First of all, it is brain food and will make your diet more complete. Secondly, it will help to comfort you after you realize that no one in the lunch room is eager for you to sit with them. If however, you actually want to read your book while you eat do not sit at a table with women. They will talk incessantly though not to you.

If you want to eat without having hate-filled stares shot at you do not sit at the Clique table. The Clique table is the table closest to the doors so that the Clique can judge everyone who comes in to eat. The Clique will be almost entirely women and they will be talking loudly and about things of little importance. If you remembered your book sit as far away as possible. If you forgot it sit one table over and eavesdrop.

The rules for Popcorn are different from that of Oranges. Forget it no one shares Popcorn. You can exclaim that you smell popcorn all you like because the buttery goodness is all mine.

Take your change from the vending machine because no one is going to announce that they found an extra quarter. Like wise don’t feel guilty about pocketing an extra quarter because chances are that the machine is the one that messed up and spit out that extra money in order to make up for all of the times it ate your change. Yea I can live with that story.

You Might Be Home Schooled If . . .

They say that imitation is the sincerest from of flattery.  I hope you feel very flattered Mr. Foxworthy.

You might have been home schooled if . . .

  • You went into Shock the day you found out that your mother was not the great repository of all human knowledge.
  • You took so many “field trips” to Wal-mart that people thought you worked there.
  • You had to total the cost of all of the groceries in the cart plus tax (showing your work) before you could get M&M’s at the checkout counter.
  • You have more reverence for an Author’s birthday than a Catholic has for a Saint’s day.
  • Other people scream and throw holy water on you when you tell them that your School didn’t have sports.
  • You discovered the cure for Red neck in second grade using everyday kitchen staples.
  • People in town shun you when they learn that you don’t worship the local football team.
  • When someone asks you if you know of AC/DC you reply “Why yes of course these are the two forms of electricity. Alternating current and Direct current. While Alternating current is the best for sending through wires into your outlets Direct current is actually used to run most household appliances.” The person stares at you and then walks away as if you had deeply offended their religion.
  • Upon learning about pep rallies you laugh and exclaim, “Really! People do that? That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”
  • When someone asks you your favorite sport you reply, “Speed reading.”

And lastly:

  • If you are outside on a warm September day and there are no other kids around then you might be Home Schooled.

Top Ten Reasons Why Romeo and Juliet is Unromantic

Hi, Sorry I’ve been A.W.O.L. for a while. But sometimes life gets busy, I get lazy, I get writers block and sometimes all three. 

Anyway here is another random musing from me. It’s a Shakespeare one. 

Top Ten Reasons why Romeo and Juliet is the least romantic play ever.

10) Remember Rosaline? Romeo doesn’t even though he claims to love her at the beginning of the play. Romeo Falls in and out of love too easily. Would he really know true love if cupid hit him in the rear?

9) In Act III Scene V After he is banished Romeo abandons Juliet. I don’t think that qualifies as loves. Take her with you stupid. Seriously he finds plenty of time to sneak into her bedroom to consummate his marriage but he doesn’t even think to take his wife with him into exile?

8) Just like today people under a certain age needed parental consent. Juliet’s Father would have been legally allowed to annul the Marriage, though Juliet’s virtue would be compromised and she would have at best ended up in a convent.

7) A Secret Marriage means nothing if no one knows about it. Seriously, Juliet, if your Father doesn’t know you’re married then how can he know that he is causing you to sin? Yes I am sure she is trying keep her Father from annulling the marriage, but can you see how their getting married really didn’t solve anything?

6) What do a 14 and 13-year-old know about true love? They really were that young their ages are given in the play. Putting the character’s ages right out in the open like that makes you rethink the whole Marriage/Suicide thing huh?

5) Can you picture them with kids? Well can you? (See Blog Post)

4) Paris really did love Juliet. Did anyone ever stop to think that maybe her parents knew what they were doing? This guy fought Rome to protect the body of someone who he probably believed killed herself to avoid marrying him. That has to be love.  At least more love than Romeo ever showed for her.

3) In what way is biting your thumb an insult? Is this some Elizabethan version of flipping the bird? (see Act I Scene I)

2) Romeo and Juliet went to Hell. I am sorry but according to the Roman Catholic beliefs they would have had as Italians: People who kill themselves go to Hell. Why is Juliet worried about the Sin of having two husbands but not about the sin of suicide? What about the sin of lying to your parents for that matter?

And the number one reason why R & J is unromantic is because of the lack of a SPOILER ALERT before the Prologue. The prologue to the play gives away the whole ending. Why Mr. Shakespeare Why? Don’t you believe in surprises at all?

Don’t believe me read the play here: http://shakespeare.mit.edu/romeo_juliet/full.html